Bootleg

The English majors at the Jilin Institute of Architecture and Civil Engineering don't get to pick what classes they want to take. A major is essentially a complete curriculum. When the kids choose their major, they are placed in a class with around twenty other students. For the next four years, these are their classmates and they take every single class together in the same room unless they need to make use of one of the school's few garbage resources. One of the classes they are required to take is called English Film and Television and I am apparently the resident expert because every Monday I have to watch the same movie three times in a room with garbage resources.

The last movie I watched three times in one day

My first day teaching was a Monday, so I had my film classes. I took the opportunity to assess what kinds of movies the students have seen and what I should show them. Across the board, they're used to a maturity level of roughly PG. Popular actors include Will Smith, Angelina Jolie and Tom Hanks. I didn't have to ask them to know that social and political issues should probably be avoided.  They're all squeamish when it comes to gore and violence and haven't seen many horror movies. This makes me really sad. I think every child should have at least one early traumatic mature movie experience. Some of my experiences of this nature included watching The Shining, A Nightmare on Elm Street and Last Action Hero.

With that information I began looking around. I knew that once I got the internet connection I was promised, I could get ahold of movies more easily but until then I'd have to buy DVDs. Nothing I brought with me would be suitable.

I like the way you lickin' that fetus, girl

I've yet to find any DVDs here that aren't bootlegs. A lot of them are collections of 15 or 16 movies on two discs. These movies will often have something in common with one another, like the starring actor.

It's not really blu-ray

When I found this in Ou Ya I was surprised to find that they sell collections like this for about 8 yuan (roughly a dollar and change). It's got some good stuff like Road to Perdition, which I probably won't be able to show them and Big, which I probably will. This is the most normal DVD I've found since I've been here.

A man sells DVDs from the back of a pickup truck across the street from me. I paid him a visit and saw a Will Smith collection similar to the Tom Hanks one I already owned. I thought it was interesting that I so easily found collections of movies with two actors that the students unanimously requested. I didn't buy the Will Smith one yet but I intend to. In addition to many Will Smith movies, the collection also has Beverly Hills Cop 1, 2 and 3, none of which feature Will Smith.

Like I said earlier, the last movie I watched three times in one day was Home Alone. After an initial failed attempt to stream it on Youku, the Chinese equivalent of Youtube that ignores all copyright laws, I decided to show them The Wanderers off of my USB stick instead. As soon as I plugged in my flash drive it got a virus, which was fun. With the exception of four or five kids in each class, everyone fell asleep. Probably because the audio quality was bad, the characters all talk over each other and there weren't any subtitles. I don't consider this class to be one of my most successful ones. I decided to look for Home Alone on DVD.

Do you recognize that kid? It's the kid from Home Alone 3. What about those people behind him? Let's take a closer look.

Still can't place them? The're the cast of National Lampoon's Dorm Daze and Dorm Daze 2, which everyone in America has both heard of and enjoyed. I mentioned before that the movies on these DVDs have something in common. See if you can guess what the common ground between Home Alone 3 and Dorm Daze is.

Other "Super Little Rascal Managing a Household" movies in the set are Casper, Surviving Christmas, Little Miss Sunshine, Jingle All the Way and Me, Myself & Irene among others. I found out that there are four films in the Home Alone series and French Stewart plays Marv, Joe Pesci's character, in the fourth one. That's kind of upsetting. In any case, I found Home Alone and I entered my classroom the following Monday confident that nothing could go wrong. As a bonus, the DVD had Chinese subtitles, which the students love and I'd rather have them understand the movie than struggle to follow along and lose interest. Much to my chagrin, the A/V system in the classroom decided to give me a big fuck you and stopped functioning ten minutes into the class. It worked out alright though because I got to hold my classes in the marginally superior A/V room next door where the movie played without a problem.

Pictured above: Kumar, of "Harold & Kumar" fame, with the Klumps, of "The Nutty Professor" fame

There are bootlegs in Ou Ya, there are bootlegs in the back of people's pickup trucks and there are bootlegs in a marketplace on a downtown street called Hongqi Jie. The market is a large, underground area with rows upon rows of DVDs, CDs, weapons and plastic goofy shit. This is the place to come when you want to buy a movie for yourself. The selection is enormous. I came here with Nick about a week ago to see what it was like.

If you're a foreigner, people shout "DVD!" and "CD! Music!" as you walk by. It doesn't matter whose shelf you choose to look at because they're going to sit you down on a stool and keep you there until you've seen every single product that they offer. If you're a foreigner trying to buy anything that doesn't have a price tag, you probably shouldn't pay more than 30% of what they ask. Chinese salespersons are the best actors in the world. While we were sitting there, the lady who was helping us was nothing but pleasant. She kept complimenting me on my fledgling Chinese. I picked out 6 movies and figured I wouldn't take anything higher than 30 yuan for all of them, 5 a piece. Nick picked out a few and then asked, "How much?" All of a sudden the woman wasn't smiling and pulled out a calculator to display the price because my Chinese was so good and all. She showed him something like 45 for three movies and a TV show, which was way too high. I asked how much for all of mine and she showed the same.

Haggling is a process but I enjoy it. After I said "too expensive" she got really angry and started cursing us out. I said 30 a few times but she was pretending not to listen. Nick put the TV show back and I put 3 of my movies back. We asked how much for 6 between the two of us. Still 45, so we walked. Nick mentioned that he feels bad walking since they spend a lot of time taking everything out of boxes to show us. As far as I'm concerned, fuck anyone who's knowingly trying to rip me off. Or unknowingly, incompetence is no excuse.  Sure enough, in about 20 seconds the other woman from that row came running after us and asked us to come back. We got it for 30 and that woman who was first so pleasant, then serious, then angry wore this shit-eating grin like we were still getting ripped off. A few days ago I asked a Chinese friend if 5 was a good price and he said he wouldn't take more than 3 a movie. I hope that bitch spends the rest of eternity in Hades, removing stacks of movies from a box that never depletes. That's a little rough, I'm sure she's a wonderful person in other settings. In any case, this is what I spent my time fighting for.

The aliens use bows and arrows, it's on the back of the box

                           

Based on the popular Nintendo series, Roll is played by a man in drag and the only Asians in the movie are robots

And a Werner Herzog movie but the cover isn't funny. Thanks for your time.

Sean's Apartment

I teach English at the Jilin Institute of Architecture and Civil Engineering. I live in a city called Changchun, which is situated in the Northeastern province of Jilin. The province borders North Korea, Russia and Inner Mongolia. It's supposed to get cold soon. I have an apartment in a gated apartment building complex called "Zhonghai," which literally translates to Middle Sea and less literally translates to Mediterranean. Last year, the apartment belonged to Sean.


I know a lot about Sean.

The cross is Jesus and he's telling the observer that he's the bread of life

An accurate depiction of a crucifix

Real cute

Fuck you Sean

Ask me anything about Romans 8

Real cute

Mediocre caption

Nice

 The other item of interest Sean left behind was an open package of meat. He left this sitting in the freezer while it sat unplugged for a month, swimming in a pool of yellow water and maggots. I would have taken a picture were it not for the unbearable stench of rotting flesh. That shit was seriously the worst thing I've ever smelled in my life. It made me dry heave, which a smell has never before caused me to do. In that regard, I guess I should be thankful for the new experience and all.

I was not very happy about all these things when I first moved in but I have since grown very fond of my apartment.

Since Sean doesn't really have anything to do with China, the rest of this post will be a list of notable people I've met since I've been here. Some of them will come up in future posts, assuming I write future posts. I should also mention that I came here with a good friend of mine named Andrew. There's a lot to love about China but there are times when you need an American around. As Andrew has put it before, one day you're bound to order pig anus in a restaurant and it's better to have someone to laugh about it with than to stew in your lonesome misery. Andrew studied abroad in Shanghai for a semester and was fairly certain he ordered pig anus.

Andrew holding evidence that Chinese people enjoy stupid cat shit just as much as Americans

Allen - I'm not sure what Allen's job is exactly but it entails trying to take advantage of Andrew and I every chance he gets. He picked us up from the airport when we arrived and before greeting us, began explaining that we will not be paid the amount of money stated in our contract for the first month. I have a lot to say about Allen and will most likely dedicate an entire post to him. He's a scoundrel and a manchild and his malevolence knows no end.

Black Stallion - Black Stallion. English students in China pick their own English names. Sometimes they aren't names. A marketing student at the university who seems to be some kind of assistant to Allen. Along with Allen, he met us at the airport. He's as awesome as you might expect someone who picks the name Black Stallion to be. You'd have to be to work for Allen all day.

Emily - One of my students. On the first day of class she asked me what my religion is. I told her I'm a Jew and she kept commenting on how clever I am. During class the following week, she asked me if I could cut open my head and give her a piece of my brain so she could gain some of my Jew cleverness.

Nick - Another American who has been here for a year. Knows the city very well and has a good sense of fun. A man who goes to the same gym as Nick asked him to marry his daughter and offered a dowry that included a house, car and restaurant.

Wayne - Another American who has been in China for ten years. Wayne enjoys Star Trek and Linux, which are both on my list of things that make me instantly like someone.

"Ü Mi Guy" - Ü mi is corn. Many street vendors sell corn. A few of them record audio loops on a megaphone that play over and over and over again as they bike up and down the street. One stands out far above the rest. His promise of reasonably priced corn beckons all. I came up with a drinking game that involves Ü Mi Guy and passersby who stare at us white folk that may or may not be fatal. Testing will begin in the near future.

Guess what they don't sell here

The Entire Second Floor Sales Staff of Ou Ya - Ou Ya is essentially a Chinese Wal-Mart. There's one right around the corner from Zhonghai, so Andrew and I have spent a lot of time here getting cleaning supplies and whatnot. The employees spot us immediately and know we're looking for things that we have no idea how to say in Chinese and have been an indispensable help. I had to buy a drying rack for my clothes and the closest thing I could come up with was "after clean clothes put place." These ladies found it.

Bruce - Bruce is a student at the college. He is representative of a large number of people I have met who approach me and simply say, "Hello, I would like to be your friend." They study English and aren't shy about talking to foreigners. We exchanged phone numbers and later that night, after finishing "Scanners," I saw that I missed two text messages and the following correspondence between Bruce and I ensued:

09/20 20:03 Bruce: hi,paul.goodnight! i want know more about you....
09/20 20:22 Bruce: Maybe you are busy now .It is ok,hope meeting you next time!
09/20 22:20 Me: Hi Bruce. Sorry I didn't respond to your messages until now, I was watching a movie. It was nice meeting you today.
09/20 22:22 Bruce: it is ok.Have a good sleep! Tomorrow will be wondeful.Good night,Paul
09/20 22:25 Bruce: it is OK.Good night!Paul Tomorrow will be wonderful ! Sorry for my slow writting....
09/20 22:37 Bruce: it is ok.Have a good sleep! Tomorrow will be wondeful.Good night,Paul
09/20 22:38 Me: Good night Bruce.

At that point I think Bruce was satisfied and waited until the next day to contact me again. So far whenever people have given me the wanna be yo friend routine I've said fine and given them my number but a few more Bruces could change that.

I think that rounds it off nicely. More to come.